While you might think your friends have struck gold when they have grandparents on hand to help, there are ways of making it work when yours live far away
If you’ve ever watched jealously as devoted grandparents push an enraptured baby on the swings at the park, or wished your parents could be there to witness for themselves your baby’s tentative early footsteps, then read our tips on making long-distance grandparenting work for you.
There’s a growing trend for many of us to move away from our parents when we reach adulthood. While this may be great for your social life and career when you’re child-free, once you have kids yourself you might miss having them on hand to help.
Impending parenthood is sometimes a catalyst for moving closer back to where you grew up, but for many people, and for many reasons, that isn’t an option. Whether you’re living in another country or just a few hours away on the motorway, it can be hard for your parents to help on a day-to-day basis.
However, while there’s no doubt a readily-available pair of helping hands are invaluable, don’t assume the grass is greener for friends with family around the corner. There are disadvantages, too, like unannounced visits when you’ve just got the baby down or a whole lot of unwanted opinions on a daily basis.
Most of all, remember that you’re not alone and lots of other people are in the same situation.
Mums and dads whose family live a long way away might feel sad that their child isn’t growing up among the comforting hubbub of extended family, especially if that was their own experience.
Margarita Reynolds Mazanet, NCT volunteer for Oxford and mum to Tomi, says: ‘The downside is that my little one has just got us (my husband and I) and I would like him to receive love from my extended family as well; cousins, aunties, grandparents and old friends.
‘In my country, I would have many alternatives of where to leave my child for a couple of hours. Here I don’t have any (at least not for free).’
There are pressing situations when having family around the corner makes life a lot easier too, like when you’re about to go into labour but have dependent children at home.
One NCT mum from London says: ‘I’d just moved into a completely new area, a long way away from my family, when I fell pregnant with my second child.
‘I was really anxious about who would look after my son when I went into labour, especially as my son had arrived two weeks early. Thankfully, in the end my contractions started as I dropped my son at nursery in the morning, and my mother-in-law made it just in time from Wales to pick him up that evening.’
Friends can be great for babysitting swaps – with no strings attached!
Childcare, then, is one of the biggest issues for parents whose own family don’t live close by. Not only is there the expense of always having to pay for a babysitter rather than have free help, but the convenience of getting grandparents to stand in at the last minute when you just need to pop out for a haircut or doctor’s appointment.
However, don’t assume that close-by grandparents are always willing and able to offer unlimited free childcare. It can be even more frustrating when your parents live down the road, but have such active social lives themselves that they can never help when you need!
When you don’t have extended family living nearby to help in an emergency – or even just everyday situations – remember that you can still form a really strong support network around you. Friends (and no one knows what you’re going through more than your NCT group) can be invaluable for childcare and babysitting swaps when you feel ready.
NCT courses and events are a great way to meet other mums in your area, as well as going along to other mum and baby groups or just saying hi to other mums at the swings in the local park.
You might be able to save money by looking after each other’s children on evenings out, and you’ll always have a sounding board for when you’ve had a tough day.
Denise, an NCT mum-of-two says: ‘NCT was great for us, to have a network of people at the same life stage, and people to ask questions at 2am (and get a response!)
‘You also have friends to occassionally babysit for you and you for them in return.’
And unlike grandparents, friends usually come without strings attached – you won’t need to cook them dinner or listen to any unwanted advice about how to bring up your baby!
Margarita says: ’The upside is that no one interferes in my life. I love to be independent and don’t have to hear comments and advice I haven’t asked for. Also, the good thing is that all the house duties are split relatively evenly between me and my husband, as there is not extra help.’
Only having each other for immediate support can make your parenting partnership strong, and in some ways, easier. Making all decisions together without external influences can create a united front.
Ruth Farthing, NCT volunteer for Aberdeen City & Shire and mum to Callum, Kyle and Alexandra, says: ‘In my opinion a plus for not having family nearby is that it is much easier and quicker to form your identity as a nuclear family, and work out who you collectively are and what works for your family. It’s kind of a needs must thing, especially in the newborn months, but as you don’t have people to help as much you just get on with it and discover you can do it on your own.’
Of course, even with the best support network around you, there are going to be times when you just need your mum. So don’t always put a brave face on when speaking to family who are far away. Having an honest chat with them on the phone can be a great support, and they might even bring forward a trip to visit if they know you’re struggling.
Equally, having unconditional support from grandparents can make you more confident and happy in making your own decisions. So even if you’re a long way away, regular chats or video calls with extended family whose opinions you value and trust are vital.
You might like to set up a private shared album with iCloud Photo Sharing or Google Photos, where both sides can post pictures to document what they’ve been up to. That way, grandparents get to feel involved in your child’s life, and there won’t be the initial awkward period of getting to know each other again when you do finally meet up.
Keep in touch with regular calls or video chats, and set up a private online photo album
Of course, living far away from your family doesn’t mean that you’ll never see them. Instead, it can mean that when they do come to stay, they’ll spend more quality time with you and your baby rather than just flitting in and out. It can be a great help particularly if you’re lucky enough to have grandparents willing to muck in when your baby wakes up at night!
Needless to say though, extended home visits can have downsides too – if you’re used to having relative independence from extended family, a three-week stay at your house from another country can feel a little too intense. Especially if everyone feels they have to be on their best behaviour.
If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, just try to enjoy the extra help and remind yourself they won’t be living with you forever. You’ll probably miss the company (and definitely the childcare) when they’re gone. Relax and don’t feel you have to stand on ceremony if they’re not your own parents – you’re all family now after all. And remember how much your baby is benefitting from building a strong bond with his or her extended family.
When you have a baby, you might decide that it’s a good time to move back closer to your parents. While this can be a great help in terms of childcare and support, make sure it’s the right decision for both you and your partner and your lives.
Moving closer to one set of grandparents but further away from another, for example, could cause resentment on one side. Also, while having grandparents look after your baby while you work can be fantastic for all parties, if it means you’ve got a longer and more stressful commute and will spend less quality time with your baby yourself, the balance might not be quite right.
Sometimes grandparents themselves decide that they would like to make the move to be closer to you, and some dedicated grandparents split their time between your house and their own. As with all decisions relating to your family, discuss all options and choose something that is right for all of you.
Find out all you need to know about life as a new mum or dad here.
Meet parents in your area on an NCT course.
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