With Father’s Day approaching, we talk about dads’ experiences, especially how their relationships and friendships change and who to turn to for support
The arrival of a new baby can be an exciting, exhausting, overwhelming and joyous time with plenty of highs and lows – for dads as well as mums.
It can change social dynamics and relationships with your partner, friends, family members and work colleagues. Here we talk to dads to find out about their experiences and how they cope with the challenges of fatherhood.
There’s no doubt that having a baby will change your life – and the transition from partner to parent can be challenging.
Your priorities will probably shift, with your baby transforming life as you once knew it!
With time in short supply and lazy weekends, spontaneous meals out or carefree holidays relegated, couples may find the dynamics of their relationship change too.
Although many new parents say that they feel closer after the birth of their baby, it’s not unusual for even the strongest of relationships to feel the strain at times, particularly when both parties are sleep deprived.
Try to be open with each other and acknowledge you’re both doing a good job.
Nate Priddle, dad to Joshua, and member of St Neots NCT branch, says: ‘My wife Clare and I have been together for six years. Josh’s arrival definitely shook things up.’
‘There’s a whole new world we live in and a new language we speak with. It’s exciting but challenging.
‘We’re learning how to communicate all over again. It’s ever more important for us to talk, but we don’t always have the time for dialogue anymore. Finding this time is what marriage is about.’
Keep talking so you know what each other is going through and how you’re coping
You’ll also have different experiences, especially if one has returned to work and the other is at home with baby. It’s common to have the ‘who’s most tired?’ or ‘who’s had the hardest day?’ conversation.
Dads can feel sidelined or even unsure when it comes to their baby if mum is now focused on their little one or spending more time around them.
Jenny Barrett, an NCT antenatal teacher, says: ‘I encourage dads to talk to their partners about how they feel and listen to things from each other’s point of view’.
Allowing each other ‘me time’ can also be helpful so you both have a break. Dads can change, bath and soothe baby, or sing, read and play, while mum has some time away, and vice versa.
Try doing things that make you enjoy being a couple – whether that’s watching a film or going for a walk.
There will inevitably be changes in the physical side of the relationship too. ‘For dads, whose libido and body aren’t affected by birth in the same way, this can be difficult,’ says Jenny.
‘Couples need to be open and realistic with each other and keep talking about how they’re feeling and what they need from each other,’ she adds.
Many new dads find their friends an invaluable support.
Rich Kelly, dad to Elizabeth, did an NCT antenatal course, and he says: ‘Many of our friends have young children so they understand our situation and are open to helping with our worries.’
Along with a baby usually comes a change to your social life. Finding the time to see friends can be harder, especially as new dads might be exhausted or just want to get home to see their baby and partner.
Some people may understand if they’re in the same boat and many dads say they pick up where they left off when they do see each other.
Other dads notice a growing distance with friends. As hard as it can be, try to tell them if you’re having a tough time or need their support. They may open up about their own stresses and you may understand each other better.
Being around other new dads who are going through the same thing is great
New dad friends can help you realise you’re not alone. The common ground – and swapping stories of your baby’s sleeping habits and bowel movements – can also make it easier to bond!
Nate says: ‘I think us dads might sideline ourselves from support. Ever get a guy to ask for directions? It’s not in our nature.’
‘When my wife enrolled us to do an NCT course I didn’t even know what it was. But I found loads of information I didn’t even think about asking for.’
‘Linking up with the other dads and hearing what they were concerned about was one of the best parts. We had a WhatsApp group quickly, followed soon by curry night. Support established.’
‘Having a group of people who are experiencing the same things as you at the same time is so helpful.’
‘Without our NCT class and connecting with these guys, it might have been a lot more difficult to find people we can trust to talk about things or ask questions. My NCT friends are a great bunch of guys.’
Jenny says relationships at work can also change. ‘Colleagues may initially ask after the baby, but they don’t always appreciate how a new father’s life has been turned upside down and that he may be suffering from sleep deprivation.’
You might find you have lots more in common with work colleagues who have kids.
Rich has had a positive experience: ‘The biggest relationship change has been with work colleagues. Many of them have young children and a whole new line of baby-related conversation has started, almost as if I’ve become part of a club!’
Nate noticed a similar change: ‘Men and women in my office ask how Josh is doing and offer their insight and experiences – sometimes sharing honest and personal thoughts.’
There can be so many worries for dads, which is why it’s even more important to get support from every possible avenue.
The huge new responsibility may be weighing on your mind, along with anxieties over what sort of dad you’ll be and pressure to be a perfect parent.
Dads really appreciate being given time to explore their concerns and feelings
Before the birth they might be worrying about seeing their partner in pain or concerned about the health of their partner and baby.
Dads might have concerns about family finances, especially if mum is on maternity leave, as well as how to juggle work and home life.
Jenny says: ‘Many of the dads I work with feel torn between wanting to do well at work but wanting to spend more time at home to support their partner and spend time with baby.’
‘My perception is that awareness of the role of dads is increasing but there is still more to do.’ This is one of the reasons she runs men-only sessions within her NCT antenatal courses.
The most important thing to remember is that being a dad is a hugely important and unique role, but incredibly hard work too!
Hopefully with the right help and support, dads will find it easier to cope, share their feelings and adapt to their new life as a parent.
1. Look out for dads groups in your area, such as SE London Dads. And NCT York, NCT Taunton and NCT Cardiff and Caerphilly have dads’ groups too. Dads are always welcome at NCT Bumps & Babies groups and plenty of other baby and toddler groups.
2. If there aren’t dads’ groups locally, consider establishing one with a few friends, or trying out baby activities with other dads, like swimming at weekends.
3. Support doesn’t have to come in an organised format. It can be as simple as striking up a conversation with another dad at the park.
4. There’s lots of information online, including dad blogs which can be useful and funny.
NCT resources for dads
More information for dads about pregnancy
More information for dads about parenting
More information about the role of dads
Dads groups
Join NCT Taunton Dads
Find out about NCT Cardiff & Caerphilly Dads
Look up SE London Dads
Relationship support
Visit the Association for Family Therapy
See Relate
