Anna Whitehouse, founder of the Mother Pukka blog, shares her thoughts on parenthood and how to ‘parent the sh!t out of life’…
It came, in all honesty, from a place of loneliness. I felt overwhelmed by the information, forums and conversation out there. For all that chat, I felt alone and unsure how to navigate it all.
You’ve got to take a break before you actually break
is what we
always say
I came to a realisation that it had to be simpler than this. Yes, we must keep the children alive. But for me it was also a mind shift of trying to keep the ratio of laughter to tears in check.
I’d been trying to do too many things and was pushing myself too much. But it’s not just about self-care and going off to have massages and manicures, which none of us can do. It’s about laughing through daily life – like when your child sneezes on you and you’re not entirely sure where the bogey is!
That’s what the book is about really – trying to make sure people are laughing more than they’re crying.
Put the irrelevant stuff away. Work out what is important and let the other stuff go for your own sake.
Also realising that sometimes kindness is all that’s needed – accepting the other one isn’t sleeping and rising above it.
It’s not about who’s put sudocrem on the baby (or not!) – the baby will be fine. Your relationship is more important at this point, especially stability and confidence in each other.
You have to be on the same side – hold each other’s hand when you’re dealing with a code red situation in the supermarket and you don’t have a nappy.
And, when you feel ready, don’t shy away from sex. My mind was consumed with leaky nipples, what I looked like and what I felt like, so I forgot about my relationship. But physical contact, even a cuddle, is not something to be pushed away. It’s often a connection where words aren’t needed and it unites two people.
‘We all have that moment
of loneliness and our
Mother Pukka blog is there
to shed a bit of light in the
dark point of a storm.’
We moved back from Amsterdam to London three years ago and I didn’t have any friends who had children. It started from a slight place of isolation and not being sure how to connect with people – and it still remains that.
The blog is for people who happen to be parents – for the mum who has mastitis-addled boobs who can hear a group of girls at 3am after a night out and she’s wondering what she’s done with her life.
Yes, more people are talking about mental health and parenting – from postnatal depression or pregnancy psychosis to antenatal depression or pregnancy anxiety. And this helps people feel less alone – and perhaps that they don’t just have to ‘suck it up’.
Matt and I had a lot of miscarriages, so I had pregnancy anxiety with consistent flashbacks and, every time I went to the toilet throughout the nine months, I was checking for blood.
But in sharing that we had so many other people come along and say that’s what happened to us.
The charity, Tommy’s, has a campaign called ‘Always Ask’ and this really helped me.
I’d always say talk to someone with a medical understanding and sensitivity. Don’t ever think you’re wasting someone’s time.
What we’re trying to do is take people’s minds off what they’re going through. Sometimes if you have a glimmer of light then it can only be good for mental health – hand-in-hand with relevant information and a support network of people who understand.
You can pick and choose who you follow and tailor that content to what your mind needs, whether you’re feeling body conscious, you want fashion advice, or you just want a bit of a laugh.
There’s so much good to be had from shared experience, for mind and soul
If there’s something that isn’t helping your mind you can edge away from it and maybe come back to it later on – or not at all and find something else.
You do need to be selective and careful about who you follow though.
The blogging community isn’t about preaching or telling you how you should be doing things. It’s just saying ‘this is my experience and come along for the ride if you’re going through it too’.
In the words of our favourite Frozen song it would be ‘let it go’. Embrace the mess, embrace the stress.
We’re a shambles – our house is a mess, our admin causes my mum significant angst and our kids have odd socks on! But as long as I’m running on about 54% I feel we’re fine.
Also, I don’t think anyone has it down.
We’ve all had that moment of trying to get out in the morning with children screaming blue murder and you have a doctors’ appointment to get to and you’re desperately trying to get your child’s shoes on.
Those are the moments we can laugh and unite and just celebrate that we actually got out of the house.
I don’t want my daughters to face the same brick wall I did in trying to work and live. I’m not building them up for a fall – telling them to work hard and they can have it all. Because at the moment you can’t.
You are forced to choose your child or your job. It’s so deeply unfair and unjust and it’s time to change.
‘Currently 54,000 women are being made redundant or pushed out of the workforce every year simply for procreating. Pregnancy should never be a reason to make people redundant.’
And we’re at our most vulnerable when we go back to work – we’re dealing with separation anxiety, PND, a mangled undercarriage, leaky nipples, exhaustion…
It’s not just a vanity project where mummy wants a bit more time with her baby.
It’s a huge physical, biological and emotional thing to go through, which I think gets missed so often.
The current world of work in the UK isn’t accommodating. It’s black and white – come back on these days or you can’t come back at all.
So few women are smashing through those glass ceilings simply because we’re not there because we’re being pushed out.
If you want to work, you’re a talented employee and you’re good at your job, you should be supported to keep working.
It will be tough. Each parenting experience will be different, but yours is yours, and you should celebrate any moment of triumph.
We have lots of useful information and tips about pregnancy, birth and parenting on our website, just click here.
